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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Art of Annoyance: Satire How To.

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Taylor Nichols


9/17/02


The Art of Annoyance


Its a fine line to walk between the completely bumbling and the only slightly annoying. For those of us who observe these kinds of creatures daily, it often boggles the mind just how they can be so completely aggravating. Well the process is simple really, you only need to make a few small changes in your lifestyle to join this select group who are the talk of the community and the one man show at every party.


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Start at the begining and lets resculpte your daily activities. Remember it is not so much that you must make large changes it is that you must be repetative and stubborn in your annoying nature. So, you wake to a beautiful Monday morning ready for work and busting at the seems to join your comrades at the salt mines. You may notice as you exit your house that your meticulously hung Christmas decorations are still weathering the elements. Pay no mind to the fact that it is mid July and the neighboors are starting to give you funny looks. On your drive to work remember to honk and wave at complete strangers, attention on yourself is key to sucsess. Cruise mindfully in the right hand lane with your left blinker on, for about 15 miles. Only at the last moment make the correction to swerve across multiple lanes of traffic into one of the 'Full Service' booths to pay your toll. Just for fun, neglect to see the multiple one dollar bills in your pocket and insist to the attendant that you pay with a one hundred dollar note. After such a good time on the road, exit your car in the parking area and setup orange cones in the middle of the drive-thru to throw off your buddies who are pulling in behind you. Theres a reaction you won't forget! Now you are in the elevator, making your way up to your office, make it a point to touch strangers. A simple poke on the arm or in the back will draw heads throughout the crowd. If somone becomes cross with your playful attitude just remind them that 'I was just messing around man!'. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons. Surely people will now understand that you are a playful soul and will indeed want to be around you!


Now the workplace, a vast conduit of social interaction. The perfect setting to share you crazy antics with coworkers. It is a must that in large presentations you set the tint on your computer so that all the images are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". Durring these long presentations you may feel the hyped mood begin to slack. To pick up the spirit again it is suggested that you drum on every available surface. Begining lightly and builing to a cresendo of snares and 'air symbols'. Pay no mind to the naysayers who are now giving dirty looks, return the look with a grin that say you know somehting they don't. The oportunties in the office are almost endless when it comes to showing your joviality. For example, when Susan in accounting asks for that Product Frontier report to be complied and ready for export, staple the pages together in the center. The look on her face will be priceless when the forms are delivered. No doubt now you are wondering how you should conduct yourself around the watercooler or lunch area. Purely conversation oriented settings can be tricky, as you will loose most of you physical humor. Answer any question that is ask to you in the form of another question. That tatic will keep them guessing, and will surely crack a few smiles from your more easy going colliges. Lie about obvious things, like the time of day or how the weather is. No one will question you as they will be amazed with your dizzying intelect for farce. And if somone is to challenge your behavior simply reply to all attacks with 'thats what YOU think'. And of course the most important rule of all for the work place, ALWAYS shake with your left hand.


In time the day will draw to a close and you will bid farewell to your friends in the office, gather up your cones around the parking lot and again visit your favorite toll booth attendant. But now is not the time to let your guard down. You have just been pulled over by a friendly officer out on patrol. Make sure to greet this noble peace kepper with, "Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me!" before he has his foot out of the cruiser. When he comes up to your car say, "License and registration, please" right when he says it. Crack a smile to let him know your playful intent with such a comment. Refer to the officer by his first name and try to build a good repore with him as you discuss your violation; perhaps even ask to see his gun. If all goes well you will not have to take a trip to the downtown lockup.


So solider your mission for the day is completed. You have shown how a true fool acts and have enlightened the world to the nature of your character. This is the line you must walk to truly understand the art of annoyance. There are those that will scoff and laugh at your attempts to find this higher existance, but pay no mind. Take this gem of wisdom with you out into the world, use it wisely and trust in your abilities. I have no doubt in my mind that many of you are using these tactics now as you read this. Infact, I am sure there are plenty annoying people out there already.


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